Monotonous
by Rainy D
Summary: I did not betray you, Shinji. I meant it when I said I loved you. (shounen ai)


Monotonous  
By Rainy D  
  
Disclaimer - Don't own.  
  
Speak to me  
Hold your mouth to mine  
The sky is breaking  
It's deeper than love  
- Moby, the sky has broken  
  
  
Kaoru...  
Why...?  
How could you do this to me?  
Was everything you said a lie? My feelings don't matter to you, I'm just a tool...But you looked so sincere.  
And now...  
Do you know what I'm going through? You tell me you love me and now...And now you're saying I have to kill you? You don't know what this is doing to me. I've known you, what, a day?  
Do you believe in love at first sight? Someone asked me that once. I said no. That was before I met you. Everything about you, you're just so...perfect. But you're not, are you?   
What's going through your head? You're so calm and composed, but what about the angel inside you? Does it want to consume you, to kill the world around you that you so recklessly fell in love with? I know that you have a heart and soul.  
The light of your soul, a sacred territory in which no one may intrude.  
Your words confuse me...They play in my head, over and over, until it just becomes a single monotonous drone. I wish you would say something now. The silence is killing me. I try to find my voice, but nothing comes.  
What should I do, Kaoru? If I let you go, can we pretend this never happened? Can we run away together? Always together. Or would that force rip you away from me, back to where you came? Destruction, death...death...Am I that selfish, to sacrifice the world for another day with you?  
  
* * *  
  
Shinji Ikari.  
I would say that I know what you are going through.  
But I don't, so I can't.  
I would say that you must hate me.  
But you don't, so I can't.  
I think...I think you must feel betrayed. Me too. Seele has betrayed us both. And so we must join against them. A final, triumphant victory, together.  
Your Eva's hand is warm. It's nice, a nice place to die. I wish I could see your face though. The Eva's eyes do not look at me like you would. They are searching and suspicious, not soft like yours. I like everything about you. I did not betray you, Shinji. I meant it when I said I loved you.  
You showed me humanity. You showed me emotions, shyness, passion, hurt. You let me live.   
Seele sent me here to destroy you. I do not understand how one race wishes to destroy itself. Seele would not gain anything. Why am I here? My heart knows why I'm here.   
I think I may have been born just to meet you, Shinji Ikari.  
You look cute when you blush.  
  
* * *  
I know what eternity feels like. When I was trapped in that angel, that was eternity. So why does this feel like that? It's only been a few minutes. I went insane there. So why am I calm now?  
That angel almost killed me. They all have. So is it some cruel twist of fate that now I've got to kill an angel? You're just like them, but so different. They didn't feel, they didn't care. You love. But how do I know that? How do I know it's not just an act? Or maybe all the angels had sentiment. Maybe they were all crying. Maybe we just couldn't see.  
When I think about it like that, it's even harder. I could destroy the others because I didn't think of them as being alive. I didn't think of the Evas as alive until now. Everything I ever knew was wrong. I thought you loved me.  
Was I wrong then too?  
Kaoru?  
Why won't you talk to me?  
I don't think I'll ever be able to cry again. Or feel. With you gone, nothing matters. I'm just a shell. If you die, I'll die too. You don't think of it like that, do you? Do you think you're saving me? You're killing me. Like all the others. Except you're going to do it.  
Aren't you, Kaoru?  
But what does it matter? We're all going to die anyway. Would one more day really make all the difference?  
  
I have to do it.  
  
I want to say I'm sorry.  
  
Say it again. Tell me you love me.  
  
I want to say it back. But I can't find the words.  
  
My life was meaningful because of you.  
  
Did you mean it?  
  
Did you?  
  
Kaoru? 


End file.
